For as long as I can remember, Thursday was pizza night at my dad’s house. On Fridays, our ritual was equal parts Viking, Persian, and American.
If there was not a home football or basketball game for our high school, regardless of the weather my dad would fire up the grill. Pork chops (which is where I developed my love of them and why I thought it was okay to out my dad as a closeted pork eater), steaks, chicken, you name it we grilled it.
Inside, on the stove top, we always had a pot of rice—polo not kateh for those of you Iranians keeping tabs. And there was usually a salad of sorts or some greens and radishes.
“In those days, my house was like Grand Central Station for the neighborhood kids,” my dad told me.
We would do our running around the neighborhood, but by dinner time we would all be back for whatever my dad was prepping on the grill.
Most of our friends were regulars, so they understood the decorum. Which wasn’t much more than ‘try a little of everything, AS IS, if not Mo Daddy will find a way to squeeze it on your plate.’
Newcomers would often violate corollary (asking for condiments with your food), we would try to stop them, but we would not be fast enough.
One such occasion came when I was in high school, one of my less experienced friends joined us. Grilled meats, rice (one bowl of plain rice, another bowl of rice with egg yolk), and salad. We had all spent much of the time after school playing basketball. Needless to say, we were famished.
The veterans and I had already scooped up our plates, piled them high with food, and were taking up our spots in front of the TV. Some were on the couch, some sat on the floor. All were busy scarfing down whatever was on our plates. Seconds were a must.
One of our friends, the rookie, was a little slower. As he walked the ten steps into the living room from the kitchen, he mumbled something about soy sauce and turns around to go back to the impromptu buffet line.
As he gets back into the kitchen we hear him start, “Hey Mo Daddy?”
“Yes, my handsome man,” responds my father.
We all know what is about to happen and are powerless to stop it.
“Do you have any soy sauce?”
‘Shit,’ we all look at each other, thinking the same thing, ‘he’s got no clue.’
“My handsome son, do you not like my rice?”
“No, I don’t eat rice without soy sauce.”
“My rice isn’t just any rice, you don’t need soy sauce. Try the rice without it, son.”
At this point, my dad has given my friend two opportunities to walk away without any repercussions. He has failed to see the clear signs that the road is ending soon and he needs to respectfully exit. For our part, we are powerless to stop the impending train wreck.
“I need the soy sauce.”
“SON! Eat the rice as it is, there is no soy sauce. If you don’t like it, then you can put it back.”
You should realize that my dad was not sitting with us. He was in a nearby room, sitting and eating like a king, happy that his vassals were supplied with all they needed. His contentment was destroyed by the crime of asking for soy sauce with Persian rice. It was something you neither did, nor insisted upon. Decorum was breeched.
Cognizant he would not win, my friend ended up adding some more butter and salt. When he sat down, we all looked at him as if he had committed high treason. All we could do was shake our heads and hope he does not make the same mistake twice—or at least brings his own soy sauce, even then he would be courting disaster.